Last time I talked about the physical journey that we’ve been through. Now, for the hard part. The emotional journey. The highs and lows. The ups and downs. This is the hardest part to try to explain. Because if I’m being honest, sometimes the emotions that I feel don’t even make sense to me.
For me, there’s a constant feeling of pain and sadness. Brokenness. Emptiness. Anger. Confusion. Jealousy. Anguish. Guilt. Insecurity. All the feelings that come with infertility. Sometimes all at once. I’ve often told people that dealing with infertility is like you’re feeling every emotion possible all at once. You feel sad and devastated because you haven’t gotten pregnant. And then that turns to anger and confusion of “Why not me? Why not yet?” Then you see a pregnancy announcement…for the 10th time that week. Sister…talk about something sending you over the edge. Then with the sadness, devastation, confusion, and anger throw in jealousy. Jealousy because someone else is getting what you want. Then that turns to guilt. Because you want to be happy and celebrate with them and the beautiful gift that they’ve been blessed with. But all the while, you’re falling a part. Your heart is breaking. You’re wishing that it was you. It’s exhausting. Carrying around all of the emotions and then trying to balance them too. All while trying to stay sane. It’s almost impossible.
Your emotions take over all logical thinking. The pain and heartache take over. You start trying to rationalize it with things that are not logical or right. As much as I hate to admit it, I have let my mind go to the worst places possible. I started thinking that God was punishing me. For what I don’t know. Anything I guess. Anything mistake I’ve ever made. But that’s what my emotions and pain allowed me to believe. That’s how intense the emotions are.
Then I started questioning God. I know you should never question his plan, but sister, it’s hard sometimes. I look around and think that I’m being punk’d. Like the universe is laughing at me and playing a cruel game with me. I try to do everything right. I try to live my life the way that God wants me to. I’m married to an amazing man, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, hardly ever drink, I don’t cuss, and I go to church. Not saying that I’m perfect by any means, because I’m not. But why not me? What am I doing wrong? Surely, you’ve felt that way too? I’m sure all the women and couples going through it feel the same things in one way or another. And I see you. I feel your pain. I’m feeling it with you.
If I could try to sum up infertility in one sentence, it’s this. It’s a constant feeling of loss. A loss of something you never had. You’ve never had it. You’ve never held it. But sister, I know you’ve felt it. Every period you get, every negative pregnancy test you get, every day that goes by without it….it feels like you’re losing something. Losing a part of yourself. It’s excruciating. The constant yearning and hoping for something so badly and not getting it. It tears away at you little by little. A sweet friend gave me a different outlook on everything. And I’m so blessed and thankful that she told me this. She said to let it make me feel special. Special because God chose us to go through this because He knew we were strong enough to get through it. He knew that we could handle it. He knew that we would be stronger for it. He specifically chose us. He chose us to walk through this, because HE knows that we will make it to the other side with a beautiful story to tell and a beautiful blessing to love. And that’s what I try to hold on to. The promise that God will answer our prayers. It’s given me strength, and maybe it will you too.