Mother’s Day. A day that hasn’t had much meaning to me in a while. It’s been just another day for 14 years now. But now…now it’s a day that carries a lot more weight. It’s a day that I long to celebrate. I can’t wait for that Sunday at church when the pastor says, “Can all the mothers stand up so we can recognize you?” I can’t wait to be one of those that stand up. Tomorrow is no different. Even though I won’t physically be in church, Pastor Tom will recognize all the mothers. And another Mother’s Day passes where I don’t have the privilege of calling myself a mother.
There’s something weird that’s started happening lately. Feelings that I didn’t expect to feel during this. The closer we get to having our family, the more steps we take, the more my motherly instinct kicks in. Does anyone else feel that way? Since all of this has happened with Covid and we’re taking all of the next steps in our fertility journey, I have this innate instinct to protect myself even more. Because I have to be the healthiest for my baby. I’m trying to focus on my health and focus on what I’m putting in my body, because I want the most ideal womb for my baby. Is that crazy? Even now, everything I’m doing has me questioning, “How will this affect my baby?” Please tell me I’m not alone in that.
It may seem extreme to some, but I don’t care. Because I’m telling myself that it’s only preparing me for motherhood. I’m going to be a better mother because of this journey. And so are you. We are going to look back on how much we fought to become mothers. And we will never take one moment for granted. We will get to do all of those things we’ve been dreaming of. For me, it’s the holidays. Sister, I can not wait to start our own traditions with our kids. To do all of the cheesiest things you can imagine. Matching Christmas pajamas, Christmas movies, baking Christmas cookies, all the things. I can’t wait to go to church as a family. I can’t wait to teach them about Jesus. Teach them to ride a bike. Teach them to be leaders in this world. I can’t wait to do things differently. I can’t wait to give and do all the things that I didn’t have/get to my kids. And I know you feel the same way.
If you’re where I’m at. If you’re childless this Mother’s Day and have been praying for so long for that day to come, please know that you are not alone. I’m feeling that loss right along with you. I’m devastated too. I’m here for you and you are not alone. I see you and we will both have the privilege and honor of calling ourselves mothers one day.
I want to try to offer you some encouragement to not just get through tomorrow, but every day that comes next. What we focus on expands. If we choose to focus on our fear, it grows. If we focus on negativity and what we don’t have, it will only make us sick with grief and despair. BUT. If we focus on hope. If we focus on faith. That alone will cause us to focus on what’s to come. We need to have hope and faith in the middle of this storm we’re in. It’s the only thing that we get us through. It is this exact moment we are in that is going to make us the absolute best version of ourselves. To make us the best women and mothers we can be. Read that again. We will be better and stronger than we ever imagined when we get to the other side. If you think about how strong you are now, imagine how strong you will be once you can say you made it through. In the darkest of moments, we must still light the way. Light the way not only for ourselves, but for others. Be the light.
If you’ve never read “It’s Not Supposed To Be This Way by Lysa Terkeurst, then you need to! Her words will speak to you and touch your heart so deeply. There is a passage I want to share with you from her book.
“God loves us too much to answer our prayers in any other way than the right way. And He loves us too much to answer our prayers at any other time than the right time.”
“I know I must walk through God’s process before I see His fulfilled promise.”
I hope you know you are so loved. I am here for you sister and I love you. I am rooting and praying for you. I pray that this time next year, you and I will be celebrating with the rest of the mothers. There is a rainbow after every storm. There is a smile after every tear.
