Can I be real for a minute? Can I vent for a minute? This post is going to be a little different from my previous posts, but I think that it’s important for people to read. It’s important for people to hear this. This is mainly meant for those who don’t struggle with infertility. For those of you who know someone that’s struggling. It’s about the comments that people make to us when they think that they’re helping…but honestly making things worse. But I guarantee for those of you that are struggling with infertility, you completely understand what I’m saying. You get it. I’m going to apologize in advance for any of you that may get offended or if I come off aggressive. It’s not my intent, but I can speak for everyone that’s in the same position as me when I say that it’s frustrating and hurtful.
Let’s talk about the things that are not helpful. The things we don’t want to hear. That can leave us frustrated and angry. Let’s talk about the things not to say.
“When are you going to have kids? Time’s ticking.” Can we PLEASE stop asking women and couples this question? Quite frankly, it’s nobody’s business when or if someone plans to have a baby. There are some women and couples that do not want to have children and they shouldn’t have to justify that to anyone. For women like me, that question is extremely painful. It’s a constant reminder that we haven’t succeeded yet. It’s a constant reminder that we are not parents yet. It’s more pressure to try to hurry up and have a baby when we’re already doing EVERYTHING to make it happen. And when you make the comment “Time’s ticking. You’re not getting any younger.” I mean really!? We are trying our best to make it happen and hearing that cuts deep. It’s extremely rude. You never know who may be “that one”. That one who is struggling. That one who can’t. That one with extenuating circumstances. That one who is dating someone with kids already and doesn’t want anymore kids. You never know who may be “that one”, so please stop asking.
“Don’t stress. Just pray.” Oh wow. I’ve never thought about that before. That’s going to do it. Enter eye roll. I mean come on. Seriously? Don’t you think that ALL we have been doing is praying? All day every day? Begging and praying on our hands and knees for God to answer our prayers. And we can try not to stress. We can try to stay busy and find hobbies to keep our mind off of it, but the stress will always be there. It will never go away until we have our baby. So you telling us not to stress doesn’t help us.
“Just adopt.” Out of all the comments people have made to me, this one has to hurt the most. It’s almost as if you’re completely dismissing all of the physical and emotional pain that we’ve gone through. Like “Oh no big deal…just adopt.” We’re going through so much turmoil and trauma to make this happen, and you’re response is “just adopt”? Don’t get me wrong, adoption is a beautiful thing. But so is carrying your own child that you’ve created with your husband. We are allowed to want a baby of our own. We deserve the chance to have a baby of our own. So why shouldn’t we have that opportunity? Why shouldn’t we exhaust all of our efforts to make that happen? So please don’t tell us to “just adopt.”
There are several other comments that people make that are just as rude and insensitive. “Quit trying and just let it happen.” “Maybe you’re not meant to have kids.” “It’ll be okay. You’ll get through it.” “It’ll get easier.” I’ve had all of these said to me. And they infuriate me every time. What you say really affects and stays with us. (Something we should keep in mind on a daily basis. Not just with those dealing with infertility) The comments are rude, insensitive, inconsiderate, and hurtful. And it’s always from people who have absolutely no idea what it’s like. They’ve never been through it. They don’t know the pain and anguish we go through on a daily basis. But yet, they have all the answers. They are so quick to make comments and tell you how to handle it.
We need as much support and positivity that we can get. For me, what’s helpful is to only surround myself with those people. I have to surround myself with those who love, support, and root for me and Greg in this. The negative comments you hear unfortunately stay with you more than the positive ones. That’s why it’s important for me to stay around those who lift me up. I had someone tell me that maybe I’m not meant to have kids. Talk about a knife to the heart. That has stayed with me every day since I was told that. That has messed with me mentally and emotionally more than anything. Every time I get my period, those are the words that I hear over and over. And if I’m not careful, I will start to allow myself to believe those words. And that’s not what you want playing over and over in your head when you’re trying to have a baby.
I’m sure if you’re reading this, you’re probably wondering “What am I supposed to say?” If anything, tell us that you’re praying for us and that you love us. Let us know that you’re there to listen, but PLEASE don’t tell us how to react or how to feel or how to handle it. Just let us know you’re there. And again, I’m not trying to be rude. I know that people are not trying to hurt us. I know that nothing is meant to be malicious. I understand that when people make comments or try to give advice they think that they’re helping. A lot of the things that people say, I honestly can’t explain why it upsets me so bad. Greg doesn’t even understand why some things upset me so much. I don’t know how to really explain it, but I know someone is reading this and they get it. They feel the same way I do. Maybe it’s hearing the same things over and over from people and still there’s nothing to show for it. I’m not sure. But I think it’s important for everyone to know what it’s like for us who are going through this. The words you may think that are helping could very well be the thing that hurts us.
