I don’t know what other husbands are like that go through infertility with their wives, but I really believe that Greg is the best. There’s no one else I could get through this with. He’s my rock and so supportive. He’s been all for doing whatever it takes for us to get pregnant. And that’s what makes this even harder for me.
I love him with everything I have. I so desperately want to give him a baby, and I’ve constantly failed. That hurts more than I can explain. Sometimes I look at him and am filled with so much love and pain all at the same time. Pain because I know how amazing of a dad he will be. Pain because I know how happy it would make him. And I haven’t been able to give it to him.
Remember on my last post when I listed out all of the emotions that come along with infertility? This is where the insecurity comes into play. When all of this first started happening, I was terrified Greg would leave me. This may seem so dramatic for some reading, but I know there’s at least one that gets it. I convinced myself that he would leave me to find someone who can give him a baby. I convinced myself he would not love me anymore. That he would think less of me. I was convinced he would get fed up and leave because this wasn’t something he signed up for. And for someone who already struggles with abandonment issues, this was almost debilitating.
I got over those feelings. For the most part that is. I know Greg loves me, but sometimes it’s hard to keep those negative thoughts out.
I feel like most of the time we are so focused on the woman, that we forget about the men. They are going through this with us. They hurt and suffer just like we do. They feel the loss like we do. Yes, it may be happening to our bodies, but imagine how hard that is for them. Greg has had to sit by and watch me undergo two surgeries. He has stayed home from work with me the entire time I was recovering, helped me get dressed, held my hand, dried my tears, waited on me hand and foot because I couldn’t get off the couch. He’s had to sit by helplessly as my body is in so much pain healing from the surgeries. He’s had to sit by and watch the hundreds of doctor appointments where I’m poked and prodded on. All the while, not being able to do anything. Don’t get me wrong, he got me through it. His emotional support and love got me through it. But I know as my husband he wants to be able to fix it. To make the pain go away. Just as I do. We both wish we could snap our fingers and “poof” we’re pregnant. We want to do that for each other.
But how beautiful is that? To have someone that has seen you at your worst, both physically and emotionally, and still loves you. Still pushes you and encourages you and never gives up. And that’s what I have. I have an amazing, beautiful man that loves me so much. And if going through this has taught me anything, it’s that. It’s reminded me of that.
He tries to stay so strong for me. And he does. So much so, that sometimes I forget that this is hard on him too. But I was reminded of that a couple months back. He broke down. He was hurting and angry. He cried like I hadn’t seen in a very long time. Can I just tell you how much that crushed my soul? To love someone so deeply and not be able to take away their pain is heart wrenching. But I didn’t let him know what I was feeling inside. I was strong for him. I pulled it together because he needed me.
The other part that’s super hard about that situation, is that for me, I want him to feel like he can break down. I want him to feel whatever he’s feeling. Because he needs to be able to do that. And he needs to be able to do that with me. But the whole time he’s breaking down, I can’t help but think that this is all my fault. It’s my fault he’s hurting. I’m the problem. I’m the broken one. And there’s nothing I can do. Nothing he can do.
Nothing we can do except for love each other with everything we have. To not give up. To pray endlessly. To always remember that it’s both of us in this. To know and recognize the pain, but to continue to live our lives through it.